Coach Alex Ray: 0:25

Hello, my unicorns. Listen, if you have been feeling lately like you don't got this, like the weight of the world and the weight of all your responsibilities is too much for you, then this episode today is for you, and I have been feeling very similarly recently. I've been feeling like there were a lot of responsibilities as falling behind on and tremendous fear and anxiety and pressure about the future, and so that's what led me to really have this realization that this is something I really want to share on the podcast and share my takeaways from my own experience with you and share the tools that I know from my training as a coach and in psychology and therapy practices that can really help you work through this stress. So I want to start by talking with you about my personal story and personal story, and then we're going to look at dependency and codependency and independency and when you may or may not have heard of before and that's interdependency. So first, a little bit about my own background. I believe I've shared it before, but hey, some of you are in it, new here. I want you to know that accepting help has always been really, really hard for me. I have always preferred self help resources over actually like opening up and admitting when I feel helpless.

Coach Alex Ray: 2:01

If you've heard me share anything about my suicide attempt before, then you know that I was actively in therapy for several years leading up to my attempt and in therapy afterwards. And it wasn't until afterwards that I actually started opening up and being radically honest with my therapist About how I was feeling. Until that point I was kind of showing up and just help, hoping and expecting that she would just fix me and that I didn't really have to be quite an active part in the healing process. Also because I think I didn't really, just, really just didn't trust others to help me. I didn't feel like that was their role. I felt like my role in life and this still shows up for me today which is we'll get to that. But I frequently feel like in life it's my role to be there to support and help others, but it's not anyone else's role to be there and support me. And so for both of those reasons I found it really difficult to open up and be honest and share with my therapist. It was like, hey, you can fix me, but also like you can't, because I'm not going to let you have any information, because I don't feel like you're actually supposed to help me. I need to be able to help myself, and so I was not willing to allow her to help me I also this is another kind of funny realization that I had just within the last few weeks I create a playlist every year for, like, you know, the year, and it's like titled something along the lines of the year, like 2021, 2022, 2023. And then whatever the theme of the year is for me and this year's theme was, I've got this and the irony is I didn't realize until within the last few weeks that that was just another way of me again kind of avoiding being helped or allowing people to support me. 2023. I've got this. No, I'm actually changing and I'm going to do it actually with you on the I almost said on the call, we're not on a call on the podcast, right now, I am changing the name of that podcast. Or on girl, I can't even speak. I'm changing the name of this playlist right now from 2023. I've got this to 2023. We've got this. And that, right there, my friend, is the theme of this episode today. Boom, done, I just changed it on my phone.

Coach Alex Ray: 5:02

The experience that I had recently that really brought this issue back to the forefront Was I. My boyfriend and I threw a party a couple weekends ago and I had an Anxiety attack, not a panic attack, and the two are different in that with a panic attack, you often feel like you're dying. That's the short version of it. With a Anxiety attack, you often feel tremendous physical symptoms of anxiety in your body and so, obviously, that's also a very simplified version. If you want to know more about the difference between the two, feel free to Google it, but for today's purposes, that's perfect.

Coach Alex Ray: 5:45

Okay, so Anxiety attack I was having an anxiety attack at this party and I was experiencing a burning sensation in my chest and the roller coaster drop sensation in my stomach and it was fucking terrible and it wasn't just lasting a few minutes. It was lasting in, coming and going in waves, but always being present for over three hours, and I just wanted to run away from everything and everyone and my brain went on this Wild journey, just imagining what if I just left everyone and everything behind. I moved to another country and I changed my name. It was like, wow, that's, it's pretty traumatic. Girl, I Know that what I'm experiencing right now is temporary and I do genuinely enjoy my life, I enjoy my work, I enjoy my friends. I do not want to Run away and avoid everyone and everything, but it wasn't pretty fun fantasy in the moment. I'll tell you what like it did bring a little bit of relief, but ultimately it didn't really fix anything. Here's what did fix it, though I Finally opened up and talked with someone and admitted that I did not feel like I've got this, and it was literally as simple as Talking with my boyfriend.

Coach Alex Ray: 7:29

I kind of pulled him aside and I was like, hey, I've been struggling and this isn't reason I've been struggling. For months now I have been feeling all this pressure to keep it together and to fake it and, to you know, act as if I've got it together and like I'm going to and like I don't have fear or doubt. And the truth is I Don't feel like I've got this. I Don't feel like I can handle all this. I feel very afraid and I Just needed to admit it to you and I need some help.

Coach Alex Ray: 8:15

And the funny thing was, before he even said anything at all, I just felt this huge sense of relief Because the secret was out. It's kind of like when you come out where you've been holding this in, or some of you haven't come out yet, but you've got some relief to look forward to. Let me tell you what. When you come out, many of you know that you feel this big sense of relief because the secret that you've been holding in that's crushing you, that you've been trying so hard to keep a secret. Whether or not you actually were successful doesn't really matter. People may have figured it out, but unless you have admitted it, you live in constant fear of being found out. And when you do share it, there's instant relief, no matter how they react, even if it's horrible. At least you don't have to keep this thing anymore. And that was the same sensation that I experienced immediately after just admitting to him I don't feel like I've got this.

Coach Alex Ray: 9:34

Then we had a conversation about how we can each support each other better. It was nice for me I enjoy supporting people so it was nice for me to hear some ways that I could also support him more, and those were ways that are easy for me, that I can happily and easily jump into, and I admitted the things in which I don't feel like I've got it and the ways in which I would really appreciate having some help or assistance from him, because these are things to really challenging for me and really difficult for me and cause a lot of stress and effort on my part, and they come easily and naturally to him. And that's it. That's how that conversation went. It wasn't a big deal. I had built it up in my head like, oh, I have to run away and not have this conversation so wild how our brains can take us down those crazy exaggerated solutions, right?

Coach Alex Ray: 10:37

So the lesson in that for me, and what I want to share with you today, is that while the message of I've got this is tempting, it is not stable. If you believe and force yourself to act in every scenario as if I've got this on my own, I've got this, then that means that anything you're weak in, boom, instant, ko, you've got nothing to fall back on, and anything that you're strong at, great, you've got it. It leaves a very small amount of scenarios, situations in life that you can navigate, because when you're doing it on your own, you don't have any backup, you don't have any stability. Think about a table with one leg. It's balanced if that, if that leg is like really thick, okay, and maybe you do think of yourself as as that thick leg. That's got a lot. You have a lot together. You've got it in a lot of areas. So you've got like one big thick leg for that table. But it's still just one leg for the table and so, while it may be balanced for a while, if some shaking comes along, along comes an earthquake, along comes like a heavy object placed on the edge of the table. The table can tip over. If you've got three legs to the table, for example, that's extremely stable.

Coach Alex Ray: 12:19

And so the same thing happens with us in life and our, our relationships, our connections I'm not just using relationships in a romantic way, I mean your friends, your coach, anyone who is there to support you and yourself. All of all of these are different legs of support, and the more legs of support that you have, the more stable you can be. So lean into the concept not of I've got this, but of we've got this with your partners, your coach, your friends, your therapist, your family, whoever is there to support you. There's such sweet relief in being honest and human and admitting that you don't feel like you've got this. You don't feel like you can handle the weight of the world on your own. The truth is, no one can and you don't need to. So I want to explain a little bit around dependency versus codependency, versus independency versus interdependency Now, because these terms are really what we're talking about here when we are shifting from I've got this to we've got this. So a quick definition of dependency.

Coach Alex Ray: 13:51

Dependency refers to a state in which one person or entity relies on another for support, resources or assistance. It often implies a one-sided, unbalanced relationship where one party is more reliant on the other. That's dependency, okay. Codependency, on the other hand, is a dysfunctional relationship pattern where two individuals or two parties become overly emotionally reliant on each other. It often involves enabling or supporting destructive behaviors in one another. All right, so neither one of these is healthy.

Coach Alex Ray: 14:36

But there's some nuances here. For example, dependency right, that's not like it's an evil thing. A child is dependent on their parents for food, shelter and care Okay, so a child being dependent on a parent is normal and good and healthy. A person being reliant I'm sorry, not reliant being dependent on their romantic partner for just, let's say, their life purpose Okay, their partner is their only sense of purpose for their life. That's how I felt back in 2017, pretty suicide attempt, not healthy. Not healthy, because as soon as that person is no longer there, it's like sweeping that leg out from under the table. Now you simply fall over, All right. So we've got dependency. We've got codependency that unhealthy relationship where both parties are doing that kind of dependent thing in a way that enables and encourages unhealthy behavior patterns. And then, on the other hand, the complete opposite side. We've got independence.

Coach Alex Ray: 15:58

Independence is a state where an individual can meet their own needs, make decisions and take care of themselves without relying at all on others, and it can also imply self-sufficiency in a positive way. Okay. So independency, though often in our modern culture is the exaggerated form where you are totally independent from others. You are totally self-reliant and you don't have the ability to rely on others for support or care, and this is where interdependence comes in. So if you haven't heard of interdependence before, quick definition of interdependence is it's a healthy and balanced form of relating to others. It involves mutual reliance and cooperation where individuals support each other while maintaining their own independence. So, for example, in healthy romantic relationships, partners rely on each other emotionally for support and they also maintain their individual identities and their self-sufficiencies. They're not fully independent. I've got this and they're not fully dependent. You've got to take care of this for me, or codependent. You've got to take care of this for me and I've got to take care of that for you, because you can't do it without me.

Coach Alex Ray: 17:40

Dependency and independency both are like the all or nothing black and white versions. Right, you're either all in with being too dependent or all out on your own being too independent. And so we want to really start leaning into that concept of interdependence where you have a healthy balance of relying on others and maintaining your own self-identity. And so, going back to that mantra of we've got this, we is empowered, it's not alone, it's honest, it recognizes your limits and appreciates other strengths that make them good at being a support system for you.

Coach Alex Ray: 18:35

Partner at different times with different people for different purposes. Lean into your friends, your family, your coach, your therapist, a stranger in the subway, a customer service agent, any human you interact with. Collaborate, be a support to others. Allow others to support you. Collaborating requires those steps of confidence. Interdependence is a confident practice. Remember the three steps.

Coach Alex Ray: 19:14

One allow yourself to be uncomfortable, and for a lot of you, interdependence, collaborating with others. It is difficult, it's very uncomfortable, and so you're gonna have to stretch yourself and challenge yourself to lean into it. Take action, open up, have these conversations. When you don't feel like you've got this, let someone know. Don't keep doing it on your own. Don't run away and change your name and quit everything like I wanted to in that moment of panic and fear, and finally have your own back. It's gonna feel uncomfortable, it's gonna feel weird, it's gonna feel different and the temptation is going to be to kind of beat yourself up about it.

Coach Alex Ray: 20:02

Either beating yourself up about why didn't you collaborate with other people sooner and lean into this interdependent framework, or you're gonna be beating yourself up about it being wrong. Or you're too much, or you're too heavy or too much of a burden for other people. We've got to acknowledge those stories in your head. Send them a hug, a kiss, a love note. Let them know we appreciate them. They are here for a reason. They are here because of your past experiences. But you no longer need to live that way. You are now open to being supported by others and going through this life more collaboratively. We've got this unicorn. See you next Tuesday.