Meet My Boyfriend

Coach Alex Ray: 0:27

I don't remember my intro.

Boyfriend: 0:30

Something about a unicorn, I don't know.

Coach Alex Ray: 0:34

Hello, my unicorns, and welcome back. I am thrilled to share today's guest with you. You already know from the title who it's going to be, so I am just very excited to introduce you to the hilarious, helpful, handsome, highly intelligent my boyfriend.

Boyfriend: 0:55

Hi everyone.

Coach Alex Ray: 0:59

He's decided to stay anonymous for this first episode, so I have to do my best to not say your name the whole episode. This is honestly take two because I already fucked it up. We are struggled. Anyway, I'm really excited to have him on the podcast today because he truly is the only person who has actually made me laugh to the point of throwing up no joke was telling me this story and all of a sudden I just fucking puked because I was laughing so hard.

Boyfriend: 1:31

I didn't know if I should be proud or if I should be concerned, or both. I ended up being both.

Coach Alex Ray: 1:38

Yeah, probably a mix. Anyway, I'm so excited to have you here today. Thanks for being on the podcast. You're welcome.

Boyfriend: 1:46

It's been a pleasure, and mine as well.

Coach Alex Ray: 1:51

Okay, so we're going to kind of get to know you today a little bit. You have a few stories, yes, some things from childhood to share with us, a few like coming out kind of stories, and then a surprise story for me at the end, right, yes?

Boyfriend: 2:05

a surprise story. We also have some like COVID times stories that are in there, but yes, then we're going to be finishing up with a mystery story that you've not heard.

Coach Alex Ray: 2:14

Okay, so you all are going to get to hear my genuine, like first impression reaction and I'm going to do my best also, like get out of my head and not pay attention to the fact that we're recording and just be like it's genuinely reacting to your.

Boyfriend: 2:30

Yeah, or the fact that you've heard all of these stories except for one before.

Coach Alex Ray: 2:34

So yeah, I mean like the surprise one, but these others I have heard before and I can't freaking wait. These are great stories and you're a very good storyteller. Everyone's going to really enjoy this, I sure hope.

Boyfriend: 2:47

so I feel confident, but we'll see. But yes, so this is just kind of the stories that we selected. It's kind of like giving an inside look to some of the things I've been through, some of my opinions on things, or some of the things that I've had to maybe just put up with and tolerate that have shaped me into the person that I am today. So was there anything else?

Coach Alex Ray: 3:10

or oh, thanks, so let's hear your your first couple of stories.

Boyfriend: 3:15

Okay, great. So, as a preface, I was born and raised in rural Appalachia, so hopefully that just initially gives you a general impression. But going from there, the first story is going to be about my eighth birthday and honestly, it seems like most of my birthdays have some kind of like I was going to say chaotic, but I think I'm going to, I think I'm going to modify the phrase. I could call it catastrophic result, but anyway, here are a few of those Honestly so up versus my eighth birthday. So, god, it's such a blur. But we had just finished birthday dinner. This is at the house, by the way.

Boyfriend: 3:58

We had just finished birthday dinner and we were like bringing out the cake, putting some candles in it. We were in the middle, like literally in the middle of singing happy birthday, happy birthday to you, and my little brother, who was like six at the time, points out the window and like interrupts. Everyone points out the window into the backyard and goes what is that? And we all like turn at the same time and look out the back window and my dad's car, his truck, is on fire and had exploded and was like a blaze, like 10, 20 foot flames in the air. That's odd, and I like we didn't finish the happy birthday, we just like started panicking and scrambling or whatever. Like what is happening? What's going on?

Boyfriend: 4:52

My parents, like you know, ditch me at the table, of course, and run down to assess a situation. My dad is trying to grab the garden hose to try to spray water and like put out the blaze of the truck, but the issue was we had like a short like sprinkler hose it's one of the shorter ones, not like a real hose and he wasn't able to stretch all the way to like get the water of the truck. So we had to like put his thumb on the hose to try to spray and put out the fire, but it wasn't quite reaching there. So that effort was failing. We were afraid that there was going to be another explosion. So my mom gathered all me and my siblings and she took us to her bedroom and then she put on the church channel on TV it was. They were saying the rosary, the rosary channel, and we just like had to sit on the floor of her room watching the church channel and praying.

Coach Alex Ray: 5:47

We what's happening with the birthday candles? At this point Did you even get to blow them out?

Boyfriend: 5:51

On it. By this point, the candles have probably like burned all the way down to the nub. My cake is like melted in a pool of wax. Really, that became a secondary priority to what was happening outside.

Coach Alex Ray: 6:05

But you know, in that moment I feel like my crazy brain would have connected like birthday candle fire to like car fire for half a second and been like wait, what the fuck?

Boyfriend: 6:17

Yeah, it was like the ultimate birthday candle that I was not able to blow out. It was like you did not get your wish this year. No, I guess, talk about going out with a bang.

Boyfriend: 6:27

But or a boom or a boom, yeah, a large boom. But the reason that I guess people are like wait, okay, but like get to. Why was your truck on fire? Yeah, so, that's yeah. That's the next part. So my mom is she's a character and with a large yard and trees falling down, whatever, we had like a lot of burn piles to like get rid of excess debris and stuff from the yard. So my mom and again she loves fires and we have, oh God, I have a number of other stories that I forgot about until just now she had started like a big bonfire in the yard and in time for us to go upstairs to like celebrate the birthday or whatever, she thought that she had extinguished the fire. Like all the flames were out. You know, it looked like it was fine. However, the wind apparently had kicked up and like reignited some of the embers and then some of them blew into the back of the truck that had other debris in the back of it and then it caught and blew up. So, anyway, that was that, and then my, so it was a pickup truck, right, it was like it was an old Chrysler pickup truck, and so it exploded.

Boyfriend: 7:32

The next morning you know we go to bed, whatever the next morning. Oh, by the way, we lived in the middle of nowhere, so the fire department couldn't find us. This was like before a lot of GPS stuff, I guess. So we had to like call on our landline, we had to call the fire department and like they could not locate us.

Boyfriend: 7:50

Oh my God, we were like we live very close to you, I'm not kidding you, it's maybe a three minute drive, three close, and they could not find you. They couldn't locate us. That's kind of how much in the sticks or kind of how weird and convoluted our property is. But the fire department eventually got there, probably around two or three, and by that time the truck had already burned to a crisp. There was nothing left. And the following morning I went out and like looked at the remains of the truck. It was just like a crispy mess. And while like searching through the ashes or whatever, I remembered that my chapstick was in the glove compartment of the truck and like my one like thing that I exclaimed was darn, my chapstick was in there, my favorite chapstick, never to be seen again.

Coach Alex Ray: 8:42

That glovebox is moisturized though.

Boyfriend: 8:44

I guess. So yeah, fully protected against chapping Works on cars.

Coach Alex Ray: 8:52

Oh, my God.

Boyfriend: 8:53

I might be forgetting some details about that, but that's the gist.

Coach Alex Ray: 8:55

I love that story. I think it's kind of a pretty good picture of where you came from, truly a metaphor for my life and my upbringing. They shake thoughts. Yeah, yeah.

Boyfriend: 9:10

I will never forget my little six year old brother pointing out the window saying what is that? Anyway, oh, my gosh. Okay, well, that's the first birthday story of note. Then we have another one yeah, my 13th birthday. I'm finally a teenager.

Coach Alex Ray: 9:24

I have the worst birthdays.

Boyfriend: 9:26

True, this is like two, I'm not kidding you. Maybe like six or seven birthdays. That were all like absolute disasters.

Coach Alex Ray: 9:34

The best birthday you ever had was the one I threw for you.

Boyfriend: 9:36

Yes, yes, last year, without giving away my age or giving away details.

Boyfriend: 9:43

Alex threw me a very personalized, very heartfelt party that I was not expecting and, yeah, it was made up for a few of these, thank goodness. Well, okay, so up next is my 13th birthday and this is like finally a teenager. I have high hopes. I think this is around the time that I had heard like what a sweet 16 is and I was like, oh, maybe my 13th birthday will be kind of like that, I don't really know. Okay, so at this point I am like full blown middle school, weird, nerdy kid, you know, struggling socially. I'm super into like Pokemon and like anime stuff, and I'm just not really fitting in with a lot of other guys my age. Oh, by the way, I'm like closeted and don't even realize it. So that's a factor. So, anyway, all kinds of high hopes for this big.

Boyfriend: 10:37

I'm a teenager. Now things are going to change, my life is going to change for the better and I like it's, it's, you know, we have dinner and it's. There's no explosions this time. So we're already off to a great start and it's time to open the presents and I'm expecting big things, everyone. I'm expecting like a computer, some cool toys, some video games I mean, you're 13 after all something, something and I was like I better not get like socks or something, yeah, but not far off. But so the first gift was wrapped very nicely and it was a little, a little clam shell thing of bubble tape. Yeah, you ever going to remember bubble tape? It was like that weird, like tuna fish can shaped thing that looked like an organ from your body and just had like 12 feet of gum like a fruit roll up in a bubble tape.

Boyfriend: 11:34

I got that wrapped.

Coach Alex Ray: 11:37

That was like happy birthday. I got two presents.

Boyfriend: 11:42

That was the thing. I got two presents, and that was one of them.

Coach Alex Ray: 11:45

We're not off to a great start. One of your parents was like oh shit, we forgot to get something for your birthday. We're in the checkout aisle of the grocery store, let's just grab some gum.

Boyfriend: 11:57

Let's grab this. Let's double the number of presents for this, for our sons, you know. Welcoming to the to the teenage years. Yeah, this is yeah, momentous occasion celebrated by, you know, bubble tape. So anyway, that was gift number one. Gift number two was an interesting, an interesting selection. It was a wicker chair, it was a wicker chair.

Coach Alex Ray: 12:24

How did they wrap the wicker chair?

Boyfriend: 12:27

It. I think I, literally I think they threw like a blanket over it, like a crocheted or knitted blanket for my grandma or something.

Coach Alex Ray: 12:35

Oh, my God.

Boyfriend: 12:36

So it wasn't wrapped you can't really wrap that but there was a blanket and I pulled it off and I was so excited. And now again, here's my. I could ask my siblings or my family how this story goes and they'll tell you a very different version, but I'm telling you my version. So we unveil the wicker chair. It's the only version we care about, by the way. Thank you very much for the validation. So we unwrap the wicker chair and I sit in the wicker chair with great enthusiasm and it collapses. It breaks underneath my weight and I'm like I am a very average looking 13 year old and the chair breaks. I literally my butt falls through the seat and I'm like, I'm trying to think have you ever seen like the thing where a person like trips and like falls backwards into a trash can and their butt is sticking in the can and they're like flailing their limbs? That's literally what was happening. By the way, I was wearing a gray fleece, football embroidered bathrobe with my Nintendo glasses. This was the look I had.

Coach Alex Ray: 13:47

Wait, what are?

Boyfriend: 13:48

Nintendo glasses. They were just like glasses that had a little you know how you can have like Ray-Ban or like Prada or like whatever the incident.

Coach Alex Ray: 13:56

You're a Nintendo.

Boyfriend: 13:57

It had the Nintendo 64 symbol, like the little 3D Nintendo symbol.

Coach Alex Ray: 14:01

Wait, were they like reading glasses or sunglasses? I mean, I'm wearing glasses.

Boyfriend: 14:07

I can't see. I wear glasses Like what do you want for me?

Coach Alex Ray: 14:12

I didn't know if these were just for fashion or function.

Boyfriend: 14:15

No, I couldn't read the board. I was like in fourth grade or something and my teacher like had a sit down thing with my parents. She was like yeah, he squints all the time. I wish you could see the face that I'm making. But I was like in the front row, constantly squinting, literally in the front center of the classroom and I was still squinting Like I was. I don't know Like I was. Yeah, so I have glasses. I'm wearing my glasses right now. How is this news?

Coach Alex Ray: 14:43

It's not news. I know you wear glasses, I just want to note the Nintendo glasses. I just didn't know Nintendo got into like the fashion. I mean, I don't know, I've kind of feel like I could see them more in the fashionable I wear industry more than like the functional I wear industry. Now, these were.

Boyfriend: 15:01

these were from Walmart. My parents were trying to save a buck, so we got the selection from Walmart and I was thrilled at the idea of seeing the Nintendo's insignia.

Coach Alex Ray: 15:11

Of course.

Boyfriend: 15:12

They were perfect for me Iconic.

Coach Alex Ray: 15:13

Yeah, anyway, that getting back to the look. So my Nintendo glasses.

Boyfriend: 15:18

I've got my football embroidered like hand embroidered fleece robe and my ass is sticking through the collapsed bottom or the seat of a wicker chair and I'm flailing about my entire. First of all, of course, I'm like crippled with what like being self conscious and being like nervous. Yeah, just in life in general, my entire family is laughing hysterically at me and my misfortune. I'm like trying to get my balance, trying to get out of this trap. I swear I think it was a trap it definitely was a trap.

Boyfriend: 15:51

I think this whole thing was a trap. Just to like, put me in my place. Oh, you think you're hot stuff. You're a teenager now. No, have a seat in this broken seat.

Coach Alex Ray: 16:01

Yeah, I wonder, and eat 12 feet of gum while you're at it. Yeah, chewy gum.

Boyfriend: 16:06

Giant, massive wad of gum. I swear to God, I think my dad and my brother probably took like a hacksaw and weakened some of the fibers on the underside to guarantee that this would happen. I'm convinced, anyway, honestly, it might be true, it could be true it could be true. So then, anyway, I'm like, after freeing myself from this, you know this medieval contraption yeah, we forgot the birthday card that my family gave me.

Coach Alex Ray: 16:34

Oh, did we just give that first.

Boyfriend: 16:36

Honestly, it's a blur. I just remember that there was a card. In what happened with the card? So, you know those creepy looking little dolls that are like the troll dolls, that have the weird hair that you brush and they have like a little Mohawk looking thing.

Coach Alex Ray: 16:49

They look like me in the morning. I mean, I look like them in the morning.

Boyfriend: 16:53

That is true? Yes, that is true. So this one, the card I had had like the face of that troll on it and then the orange hair. But the orange it was like 3D, where the hair was like sticking out of the card. It's like it was textured. You could like feel, yeah, I could like brush the card. That's it. It was weird. I don't know why they picked. I never liked those dolls, I never had those dolls, but apparently that was what I was getting for my birthday.

Boyfriend: 17:19

Oh my God, that was the vibe when you first, you know, open the envelope, that grates you, which really sets the stage for what comes next. And then in the you know how, like whenever it's someone's birthday dinner coming up and like you clearly didn't think ahead, and everyone's like hurry, pass around the card, everyone sign the card, sign the card quickly, and then, like, you tape it and then you hand the card to the person. That was clearly what happened here. Everyone was in a rush, all of the messages were like very generic messages, but the best one of all was from my little brother.

Boyfriend: 17:48

Now here's the thing I'm the older brother and my little brother was like really cool, really popular and like really confident I was the older brother that was like tall, gangly and weird and like obsessed with Pokemon and didn't have friends. So like that sets the stage. So my brother's message to me goes you know my name goes. It just says I am so much cool more than you, and that was it. It literally didn't even say happy birthday. It didn't say happy birthday. It didn't say congratulations. Like you're a teenager now.

Boyfriend: 18:31

Literally no it was that one sentence. I was like being bullied on my birthday by my little brother.

Coach Alex Ray: 18:38

This the shadiest message.

Boyfriend: 18:41

I like it wasn't, like they didn't even try to hide it, like my parents, my I'm sure my parents like didn't even read the message, like whatever. So anyway, that was my 13th birthday.

Coach Alex Ray: 18:51

Oh my God, horrible.

Boyfriend: 18:54

Yeah, horrible, horrible. Also just checking what's the pacing, like Do we need to make these faster? Like what's the deal You're?

Coach Alex Ray: 19:01

great.

Boyfriend: 19:01

Okay, great, here's the next one. So this is so. We had two birthdays so far, but then the next story is going to be the story about the time my mom got shot and was eating eggs. And this is this one same setting as the first two. This is at home and, again, my mom really likes to burn things, she likes to clean up the yard, and I come from a place where, like everyone my family and everyone is like, really obsessed with guns and like is super Trumpy and all that stuff you know.

Coach Alex Ray: 19:33

Yes.

Boyfriend: 19:34

We're all Appalachia very Maga, so we're cleaning up the yard, we're having a cookout. By the way, we have a stove. We own a stove. That is not something that we lack. However, we frequently prefer to cook our food outside over like an open fire. People are like, oh wow, that's so rustic and like so, like back to your roots. No, it was like really sketchy. Like we would have, like the grill, or like the grate of the fire pit or whatever was left over construction materials that my dad would find, and it was the catwalk or like the walkway of like I don't even know how to describe it Like scaffolding, almost like scaffolding, but like if you were like walking around the perimeter of like a building high up and it has like the slots, like little slits where you can see through beneath your foot.

Boyfriend: 20:31

it's not chicken wire, but it's hard to describe. Anyway, we just had a piece of that that we would throw over a fire, but then of course it was like covered in lead paint to like withstand the weather and like the the the weathering. So anytime we would get a new piece of that scrap, my dad would be like, oh, we need to throw it on the fire first and burn off all the chemicals and we'd let it roast and like all the paint would fall down into the fire, which then blows back up in the ashes and cooks our food anyway. So that's yeah, we would eat on that, and we'd eat off Just for fun.

Boyfriend: 21:07

So it was like I prefer the microwave, like or even a stove would be, would be great.

Coach Alex Ray: 21:14

Amazing.

Boyfriend: 21:15

No, so that's what we had. So anyway, my mom is like throwing things onto the fire and again it's literally. There's very little discrimination here. We are throwing all kinds of things like plastic, styrofoam, metal, like all kinds of things are being thrown into this fire. My dad is on, like our tractor, like lawnmower thing. They're like around the campfire trying to get dinner ready and my brother and brother-in-law are shooting a machine gun off into the adjacent field because that's fun. Apparently, I like refused. They're like come on, come, take some shots. I'm like I am not doing this. So anyway, my mom is picking up like boxes and things, throwing it on the fire. Right, she's cleaning up, being helpful, out of nowhere. And, by the way, we had like brought down several appetizers and like certain dishes You're kind of eating off of a little folding table and my mom had prepared a bunch of deviled eggs, which seems like an irrelevant detail.

Coach Alex Ray: 22:12

But it will come in in a moment.

Boyfriend: 22:13

Yeah, we had. We had eggs, among other food. My mom likes deviled eggs. So anyway, my mom, who again is a character, was throwing this, this like cardboard box of, like tinder and leaves and sticks and other debris onto the fire and she wasn't paying attention. And out of nowhere we start hearing gunshots. Well, I mean, aside from the machine gun that's happening 30 feet from me, other shots that we're not expecting and we're closer.

Boyfriend: 22:39

Yeah, closer like where I'm sitting. And what we didn't realize was my mom had accidentally thrown an entire case of shotgun shells into the campfire and so we were all like dodging bullets, like ricocheting everywhere, no, but my mom ended up getting shot in the leg and she just screams and I think she had a couple of drinks too, because she was like happy. But she got shot in the leg and she's like limping away from the campfire. And we realized that she threw thrown a bunch of bullets on the fire and we were like, oh my God, mom, like did you get shot? Like what? Like what Did you get shot? And she's like you're damn right, I got shot.

Boyfriend: 23:23

She's like I'm going to get more eggs and she like hobbles away back into the house to go get the deviled eggs, like as if that's going to treat her gunshot wounds. And I'm just sitting there like. You know the massive, the massive World War II. You know explosions have finned it. Why are there always explosions in my backyard? I don't know, but it's all sort of a theme at this point. Yeah, so my mom's fine, she was fine and yeah, she got shot.

Coach Alex Ray: 23:59

She sort of shot herself yeah indirectly, accidentally, accidentally shot herself in the leg.

Boyfriend: 24:09

But you know what makes that better?

Coach Alex Ray: 24:11

Double eggs apparently.

Boyfriend: 24:12

A lot of eggs, like a large, large amount of eggs. I'm going to get more eggs. She's set exactly like that too, limping away with like a club foot Anyway.

Coach Alex Ray: 24:26

My gosh.

Boyfriend: 24:27

I hope she like actually got the the shot Pulled, got the medical attention that she needed. No, that's not how my family operates, mental or physically Just yeah, just rub some dirt in it, it'll be fine.

Coach Alex Ray: 24:42

My gosh, okay. Well, now that everyone knows a little bit of your family life, let's hear some. Let's hear some gay stories, yeah.

Boyfriend: 24:55

Okay, so after yeah, we'll talk about my full coming out story, I'm sure some other time.

Boyfriend: 25:01

Yeah, we're here for the entertainment today, okay, great. So this is like. What is this? Four or five years after I've come out, I'm like decently confident with who I am as a person now and I am living still in the same part of the country, like a different, a different area of Appalachia, but still it's Appalachia, and actually even more rural than where I was born and raised. That is difficult. Yes, it was interesting.

Boyfriend: 25:28

Like the only grocery store within, like within the entire county was a Walmart. So if you wanted to go to a grocery store you had to drive to the next county over. Okay, so, being in this town, you had to be like kind of careful, because you never really know how people are going to respond to you, either identifying as gay, or like proudly exclaiming that you're gay, or even just like slightly looking like you're gay. As such, you kind of have to hide a little bit, to try to blend in a little bit. Yeah, whatever. Okay, so I'm getting my supply of food at the one and only spot which is Walmart, which doubles as, like, the healthcare facility, the entertainment, like people in this part of the country, people will gather in the Walmart parking lot and like bring their trucks and their cars and like hang out and tune up their cars together. They'll sit in their tailgates and like celebrate tailgating at Walmart.

Boyfriend: 26:30

I've heard of this like there's not a lot to do, but it's like a community space where people come together, socialize, fix their cars up, chit chat like have a drink or a soda or whatever.

Coach Alex Ray: 26:43

Go Walmart for being having positive effects on a community.

Boyfriend: 26:47

I truly wonder what that town was doing before the Walmart moved in, because it was.

Boyfriend: 26:52

It had only been around for a couple of years by the time I was living there. Anyway, okay, so I'm doing my grocery shopping and I'm like wearing you know, a pair of chinos and like a fitted shirt I'm not, I'm not seeming flamboyant by any means, but like I could pass as a you know, a well-dressed person in Europe, for example, a person who's out and about in Europe A little bit Metro, very, very, very, very Okay, so I get my groceries and I'm leaving Walmart and I'm headed to my car and I'm putting my groceries in the back seat of my car. Uh-huh, and I notice I'm parked in the parking space and I noticed that this sketchy looking truck pulls up and kind of like in a T shape, kind of blocks me into my parking spot. And it's not just like a standard pickup truck. This is one of those pickup trucks that has like the ladders horizontally on the back of the truck there's like big cans. It's like a not quite a utility van, but like like that a professional painter would have.

Coach Alex Ray: 27:55

Okay.

Boyfriend: 27:55

You've seen the kinds of the ladders on the side of the back of the car right.

Coach Alex Ray: 27:59

I mean, I've seen it on like where they have like a metal structure built into the bed of the truck and holds them on top, but I don't know if I've ever seen like a ladder attached to the side of the truck. I'm imagining like a, like a fire engine.

Boyfriend: 28:12

That, but less severe and like lots of paint chipping for someone who probably paints for a living. Okay, there was, there was a lot of chipping anyway. Okay, and I'm sure the viewers probably know what I'm talking about. All right, so they're blocking me in and I was like this is interesting. I'm like, I'm like making, I'm looking out of the what's it called the peripheral vision that I have to see like what's going?

Coach Alex Ray: 28:33

on here.

Boyfriend: 28:33

What's this person like? Are they stuck? Are they like what's going on? And they're not. They're not moving. The wind, like I look over, the window rolls down and this terrifying looking man starts talking to me and he goes. Hey I just kind of look at him, he's like, hey you, are you gay? And like my entire life flashes before my eyes. At this point I, I truly I, am debating between my two options. Do I lie and live, or do I tell the truth and like, literally get hate crimeed in the Walmart parking lot?

Coach Alex Ray: 29:15

You forgot option three. You just jump in the backseat with the groceries and like peel out.

Boyfriend: 29:22

I can't. He's blocked me in. Oh yeah, am I going to go? Shit, I don't know. I was like I have these two options right now. So I was like, ooh, you know, maybe I'll get like on a TV show if I do this someday. So I like swat, I do like a gulp like they do in the in the movies, like when you're afraid.

Coach Alex Ray: 29:41

Uh-huh.

Boyfriend: 29:42

And I said yes, I'm gay and there's like someone in his passenger seat.

Coach Alex Ray: 29:48

You just did it for the whole community you like.

Boyfriend: 29:51

Yeah, to be a martyr, yeah.

Coach Alex Ray: 29:52

I well, I mean, I'm just saying you deserve an award Like you have not been honored for yet. I agree, significantly enough for this.

Boyfriend: 30:00

I am waiting for my trophy and and check from from the town.

Coach Alex Ray: 30:04

Yeah. But, queer community. We got it. We got to celebrate.

Boyfriend: 30:09

Okay. Well, we have to say what happened first.

Coach Alex Ray: 30:12

Well, you're obviously alive, so you made it.

Boyfriend: 30:17

Anyway. So I was like yes, I'm gay. And like did a big gulp and he kind of looks at his friend that's in the car. He's like uh, uh, like like planning there how they're going to murder me. And then he like whips back around and stares at me with the widest open eyes, looking super nervous, like super unsure of himself, and he goes would you want to go on a date with me sometime? And I just froze. I was like, uh, I don't know what to do right now. I was like melted into a puddle. I was like I thought I was gonna get murdered. This person is hitting on me, uh-huh. And so, in a panic, I was like.

Boyfriend: 31:05

Wasn't expecting that, I Don't know. And he was like I. I just have to be honest, I was. I was in Walmart and I saw you in Walmart in the bread aisle and I just thought you were the cutest thing ever. And so I actually followed you around for a couple of different aisles and I was hiding behind the donut you know, the donut stand and my friend was telling me I should have the confidence to come over and ask you out, but I couldn't. And then you went and you checked out your groceries and you walked out the door and I didn't think I'd ever see you again. I was like he's like.

Boyfriend: 31:35

So then I came over and I saw you. I saw you putting your groceries in your car and I had to come over and I had, I had to block you in. I had to ask you how to shoot my shot. I Was like here, I was thinking that I was gonna get shot, and so, anyway, he ended up asking if he could take me out sometime. I got his number, I ended up texting him against all better instincts and it turns out we didn't have a lot in common. Yeah, I'm talking a lot about his chickens, like we had chickens to at home, but he was like on another level of chickens and we just didn't really have much in common and he lived.

Boyfriend: 32:13

Here's the thing he lived like more than an hour away. He was just like passing through town, or he was passing through that Walmart because he had a paint job or whatever that he was doing in the town. He's like. I live an hour and 15 minutes away. I was like, yeah, this is gonna work, but like I appreciate your confidence.

Coach Alex Ray: 32:30

Yeah, also like I don't know. I'm proud of him for for speaking up and asking you out, and also like Terrifying, how did you not just pee your pants? I probably did.

Boyfriend: 32:43

Again, a lot of these are a blur. It was truly like I. I Don't have many times in my life where I feel like I was actually in danger of like Dying not like from an accident, but like some someone attacking me. Yeah that was one of them. Yeah, but good on me for like Look, can you imagine if I had been like no, I'm no, I'm straight, right, but I was brave Little tongue pop at the end, yes.

Boyfriend: 33:19

I'm so straight Anyway. So that was the time that I like in a very not gay friendly area. Yeah, it was like pleasantly surprised and got that story out of it.

Coach Alex Ray: 33:34

I am really am so proud of, I'm like so proud of both of you. Um, I heard like really I truly am. Yeah, I was being silly earlier, but I really am proud of you for actually saying yes, because that's like a lot of guts, oh.

Boyfriend: 33:46

It's saying that I'm gay.

Coach Alex Ray: 33:47

Yeah, I'm sort of denying it.

Boyfriend: 33:49

It was really impressive, yeah and I guess sort of kudos to him too for like being confident enough to ask me. I was some of some of his practices might have been a little bit An orthodox, sure Frightening frightening indeed. Yeah, but it ended up working out anyway.

Coach Alex Ray: 34:11

It might have been the first time he ever hit on someone and he might have just gotten the first most awkward Asking someone out Time over with. So what? Thank you for your service.

Boyfriend: 34:24

I mean, you and society writ large are welcome, but like can you imagine that being the first time you ask someone out and doing that in that way? No nor can I. Okay onto the next one. So that was a situation where we had like a really not gay friendly place with like a pleasant gay experience.

Boyfriend: 34:43

Yeah the next story is the complete opposite of that. This was in Carbureaux, north Carolina, which, for anyone who doesn't know that area it's in, I think Carbureaux is considered one of the like top lesbian capitals of like the United States. It's like one of the most like heavily lesbian, like lived run Supportive, it's like very lesbian.

Boyfriend: 35:10

Yeah so I I was living close to there and I went on a date there and at the end of the date I was like wow, any place in the world to go on a date with a guy and like Not feel self-conscious out on the sidewalk, this is the place to do it.

Coach Alex Ray: 35:28

So like sure, just the two homos. Well, the two gays are everyone's homo. The two gays and the like 300 lesbians around you.

Boyfriend: 35:37

This is true and like we finished up a date and the guy was actually like really terrible and it was actually quite an awful date. But, oh my, I was like I gave a hug goodbye. I was not. He wanted a kiss. I was not gonna give a kiss, so I gave a hug goodbye and as I'm hugging, as I'm hugging this per, as we like, release from the hug and start to walk opposite ways towards our cars. This woman on a Walking with a bike across the street calls out Am I allowed to curse on here? Absolutely Okay. This woman From across the street by the way, she's in a full-length denim dress, pushing a bike alongside her on the sidewalk. That paints the picture.

Coach Alex Ray: 36:19

Oh, I'm all length done with like a lot with like a long-ass braid to caught it.

Boyfriend: 36:24

So she calls out to me from across the street and she goes.

Boyfriend: 36:31

What and like I like sort of stop. It's very, first of all, that's jarring to begin with, but also like we're in Carbureau, like this is Like what's supposed to happen one of the most queer, friendly places in the country like what is going on, you know. So I like hesitate for a second. I was like is she talking to me? And I like turned towards her and she's looking straight at me and I was like, and I like motion to her, like what? And she goes you dropped your phone.

Boyfriend: 37:02

I look down at my pocket where my phone very clearly is still in my pocket. I can see it and feel it still in my pocket. I was like what the hell is she talking about? And and I said no, like it's right here. And I pull the, I pull my phone out of my pocket and show her and Like kind of like laugh a little bit like you crazy person, uh-huh. And she instantly gets this huge, like angry, vicious scowl on her face and she goes are you calling me a liar? Oh my god, yeah, I just like look at her again very confused, like how do you respond to that? And I just kind of like turn away and like start to walk away from her. This lady, throw like I'm talking, if not drop. She throws her bike down to the side and starts sprinting towards me in her denim dress and it's full denim dress, like her full herd, you know, three-foot braid, is whipping back and forth.

Boyfriend: 38:01

I'm like. I'm like I'm the will, the beast and she's the lion. And like I, I don't know what I did. I, I book it, I get out of there and the thing is I was like pretty close to my car but based on how fast she was running towards me, I like I wouldn't have been able to like unlock the car, get in the car, close the car, lock the car, turn on the car and drive away. There's no way. So all I can do is run.

Coach Alex Ray: 38:26

So that's what I did, one of my biggest fears. I've had like nightmares about that, about somebody like Trying to mug me in a parking lot and I don't have enough time to be able to get into my car for safety.

Boyfriend: 38:37

Yeah, I like that, mike Myers, that the challenge people do, or anybody. I'm sure some of the listeners know what I'm talking about. But that's the thing on tiktok where you pretend to be like I don't even know what movie that's from, it's the guy with the face that.

Boyfriend: 38:49

That people with a knife and he like briskly, like walks towards you, never runs, but he like walks towards you and the whole thing is like you're not going to be able to get to your front porch and like get the key and unlock your front door and get inside and close the door in time, anyway that's what it's like.

Coach Alex Ray: 39:06

I hate that that's, oh my god. Okay, so you're running this running for my life dress with her braid whipping around. Yeah, after you.

Boyfriend: 39:14

Yeah, like her superpowers she's, she probably had like like a knife that was like woven into her braid, like she was like chopping down trees behind her as her braid was whipping back. Branches are falling like thank you, thank you, ma'am, for like your, your community service, trimming back the branches that are in the road blocking street signs. I run for my life and like I I didn't really like look back very often. I just ran for a while and then eventually turned around and she was gone. I was like I don't know what happened. I'm very confused. I can say that happen. Like where I'm from, I could sort of see that happening. But again, for anybody who is familiar with the area of carbureau, I'm sure some people are nodding right now and being like yeah, what the hell. Like that is the absolute last place. It's like it would be like you know on what's the place, like Pete, like province, town.

Boyfriend: 40:04

I like like West Hollywood or like fire islands, like that's Like what the gay friendly places, the queer friendly places in the world Isn't saying.

Coach Alex Ray: 40:13

But I lived so that was good. We're happy you made it. Thank you, thanks for being here today. Yeah, yeah, almost didn't make it. Um, okay, we want to hear your your ridiculous COVID story next right.

Boyfriend: 40:29

Okay, great. So we all have a few COVID stories. This one, this one, is pretty short. So I was, you know, trapped in my apartment, like all of us were, and I'm on like the middle floor of a building, so there's like space above and below me, out like on my little little mini patio that overlooks the world. And one morning I like woke up, came out into my like kitchen area, which has the patio coming off of it, and I like I like smelled something kind of weird.

Boyfriend: 41:06

Something's not right. And I'm like sniffing around my kitchen like checking the trash can, checking the fridge no, that's not it. No, that's not it. And I had the door cracked from like the porch door, sliding door cracked from the night earlier to like let some some breeze in or whatever. And as I get closer to the sliding glass door, I noticed the smell is getting really stronger and I'm like I know what the smell it like. What is that smell? I'm really confused. It's the smell of urine, straight up urine. And I was like what? What is happening?

Boyfriend: 41:39

So I like go out onto my porch, my entire porch, which is like the floor of it is like cement slash, stucco, whatever. It's not like wooden slats. It like holds moisture, it holds liquids. So I like go out onto the porch and I'm like punched in the face by the odor of urine and I'm noticing in the moment I was like oh, that's not just pee, this is like also the smell of poop as well. I was like wait, what did? Did someone somehow climb up onto my second story? And like go to the bathroom, like what is happening? And I noticed there's just like this liquid that's pulled on my porch. I was like where did this come from? Did someone like pee an entire? Like did they aim up an entire story? Talk about power and like rain. Talk about water pressure, the ability to aim, or like some. I'm trying to rationalize like, how did this happen? Like, did a did an eagle like come in, like pee on my point? This is a large amount of liquid.

Coach Alex Ray: 42:47

It's the story like the Storks that carry babies, but in your case they're carrying gallons of urine.

Boyfriend: 42:53

Yes, but again, it's such a large quantity of liquid that it's like bath, like it's not just like weird and confusing, it's like concerning how did this much liquid get up here? And like I'm going through my mind the only possible thing I can think of is that someone had like a bucket on the on the ground level and like through a whole bucket of like poop, pee water up to my porch.

Boyfriend: 43:19

And like some of it like it makes no sense how it got up there. So I'm trying to piece that together. I'm taking photos. I'm sending photos and videos to my landlord to be like. What is going on? This is unsanitary, it smells horrible. What's going on?

Boyfriend: 43:33

As I'm doing that it starts to rain from above, and it was then that I put. I put two and two together. It's my upstairs neighbor, it's, the liquid is raining down and again it's not wooden slats. It's coming, you know, like whenever you've got a gutter, and like where the gutter outlets the water. It's called a scupper, but it's where the water from an upper floor or a thing like shoots out to get away from the building and like falls out of the whatever. Yeah, okay.

Boyfriend: 44:03

So my neighbors this is drink COVID, early COVID, and we're all locked inside. So they have a bunch of animals. They like three big dogs and what ended up being the case was that they're three dogs. They were afraid to go walking outside, so they would lock the three large dogs on the patio. The dogs would poop and pee on the patio and then my upstairs neighbors would take buckets of water and they would like slosh it around on the and like throw buckets of water on the upstairs level and then it would rain down.

Boyfriend: 44:34

It was like misaligned, the scuppers were misaligned, so instead of like shooting the water out away from the building, it falls down until like my area. So I've got like three dogs worth of like however many times daily, poop and pee water that's just collecting in like a trough on my porch and I'm getting like nauseated and like angry and all this stuff anyway. Multiple complaints later. Fine, trying to go up and contact the neighbors and it was not going well, they were not having it. They were like saying that I was the problem like it was. It was a terrible situation.

Coach Alex Ray: 45:10

Stop existing below us Truly. Oh my God. Never, ever was the case that you could not take your dog for a walk outdoors. There was like never. People got crazy in COVID times. They nuts nuts.

Boyfriend: 45:30

As if it wasn't. As if that wasn't bad enough, they, after my complaints, they were like oh well, maybe we can like fix the situation by by disinfecting it. So what they did is, instead of just throwing plain water, they mixed bleach into it, oh my God. So they were bleaching the poop and pee water. So now I have poop and pee smell and like very, very heavily concentrated bleach smell Horrible. And you would imagine this would be happening like once a day or once every other day. I'm not kidding you. This was like six to eight times or more per day. What per day?

Coach Alex Ray: 46:11

No, I thought this was happening like once a week.

Boyfriend: 46:15

No, this was many times per day.

Coach Alex Ray: 46:18

No no no, no.

Boyfriend: 46:21

Anyway, that was one of my experiences during early COVID.

Coach Alex Ray: 46:24

No porch for no porch for any of you. So Yikes that I. I hope no one can directly relate to that story from their COVID experiences.

Boyfriend: 46:40

I hope so too. I would not wish that on anyone.

Coach Alex Ray: 46:43

Yeah, no.

Boyfriend: 46:45

Anyway, there there is another story that was like sort of around COVID times. How are we?

Coach Alex Ray: 46:52

Can you tell?

Boyfriend: 46:53

Okay, all right, so this, next, this one, and we can go into it. I always try to say like, oh, I'll keep it brief, and then my story goes on for 15 minutes.

Coach Alex Ray: 47:04

Yeah, you don't tell brief stories, it's okay. They're always entertaining, okay, well, at least you get that Okay.

Boyfriend: 47:10

so again, I will try to make this one as short as I possibly can.

Coach Alex Ray: 47:14

Okay.

Boyfriend: 47:16

So I was living here in town and I was trying to get a roommate to help with rent. So, yes, ended up finding a roommate. He seemed pretty normal and fast forward. After we did like a trial thing where I was like oh yeah, like you can come and stay here for a few days. It'll be kind of like an Airbnb situation. You can Venmo me for like a few days of staying here to see if it works and then, if we have good rapport, if it's working out, then you can move in and we'll add you to the lease.

Coach Alex Ray: 47:45

Yeah.

Boyfriend: 47:47

By day 0.5. We were already running into problems. So let's see which of the. Yeah, I'll tell the milk story. So, okay, we're like sitting there. He's like already kind of weirdly sidling up next to me trying to like cuddle and I'm like yeah, no, like you sit over there, I'll sit over here. We're watching like I don't know friggin wheel of fortune or something, and he randomly goes I want some chocolate milk. Okay, I was like alright, like Hell yeah, congratulations.

Boyfriend: 48:31

Yeah, great, like go get some chocolate milk. We don't have any. But like, if you want to go on a chocolate milk, run by all means I will partake. He's like alright. He's like alright, I'll just go grab some from the fridge real quick. And I was like wait, what do you mean from the fridge? I was like we don't have chocolate milk. I was thinking this to myself. I was like we don't have chocolate milk. I was like he moved in a few hours ago and like I, he hasn't gone to the store. Like Right.

Boyfriend: 48:59

I am certain that there is. No, I don't buy chocolate milk. I know there is no chocolate milk, so like why? Why is this already happening? Okay, what is going on?

Boyfriend: 49:07

So he goes over to the fridge. As he's walking to the fridge, I was like wait. I was like we don't have chocolate milk. He goes yeah, we do. I was like no, I am like 100% certain that we don't. And he's like he's like yeah, we do. And he goes over and like flings open the door to the refrigerator.

Boyfriend: 49:26

And at this point I'm just like I want to see what's going to happen next, like I need to see when he realizes what the reaction is. He's standing there after, opens the door all confidently, and he just freezes, stares into the fridge I'm not kidding you for like 5 to 10 seconds and I interrupt him and I'm like right, I speak up. I'm like so how you do it? Or like what's going on? And he just silently turns back around to me and stares at me like very, very nervously, very like dead inside, looking, and then instantaneously his mood changes again and he like starts laughing maniacally. He starts laughing and is like super silly. He's like oh yeah, that's right, we don't have chocolate milk. I just wanted to get chocolate milk. I know we didn't have any. How silly of me. I just wanted chocolate milk, but we don't actually have any.

Coach Alex Ray: 50:26

This man is talking like he needs serious medical attention.

Boyfriend: 50:32

I was concerned. I was like is there is a stroke? That's not really what happens with a stroke, but I was like, are we on the edge of some kind of a mental break?

Coach Alex Ray: 50:42

Right is something.

Boyfriend: 50:43

Where is he high? Or is he high or something? Oh my god, he was like a mega alcoholic. But we'll get to that later.

Boyfriend: 50:51

So anyway that he's like oh yeah, we don't have chocolate milk. I just wanted chocolate milk, or like I wished we had chocolate milk. I was like I like what I don't understand, how does, if you just wanted something but you knew we didn't have it, why did you like skip merrily over to the fridge and confidently to get chocolate? It makes no sense. And like that was again, that was like three or four hours into him, like living with me. So then anyway, like the next day or something, we're at a club and he's like he's a weirdo, like he's definitely giving off weirdo vibes and we're at the club. All of my friends are kind of like staring at him and like giving him a weird look and looking at me and they're like do we know him? And I was like yeah, yeah, like he's with me, it's fine. And he's like kind of making a fool of himself.

Boyfriend: 51:45

People are like kind of distancing themselves and he has been complaining for like the last you know however long that he's tired and he wants to go home. And I was like, oh well, like we just got here like less than an hour ago, and you've been saying you wanted to go home the whole time, like can you last a little bit longer and the thing is like he couldn't go separately. We had one key and like I had the key, so whatever. Eventually, after enough complaining, I agree I was like, okay, fine, we can go home. So we call an Uber.

Boyfriend: 52:17

As the Uber is pulling up and we're opening the door to like step into the Uber, he says to me man, I really wish we could have stayed at the club and like had fun, or had fun with your friends for a lot longer, like the night was just getting started, like it's a shame that you got so tired. What I was like. What I was like no, like you're the one who was complaining the whole night. You're the one who was telling me that you were tired the whole night.

Coach Alex Ray: 52:48

I wanted to stay going home was your idea he's like no, he's like you.

Boyfriend: 52:54

He's like you've been complaining. I could tell you wanted to go home, like he's like I could keep going for hours. This is actually I'm leaving out like four different stories of weird things that he did. I was like no, this is the last straw, this is not going to work out. Like you are clearly detached from reality, whatever. So we went home the next day. I ended up being like yes, sorry, it's not going to work out, you're going to have to find other arrangements. Like see, yeah, he got his stuff. He left as I was like cleaning up the apartment, like in his wake or whatever, I went in to hit the room that he was staying in. I opened up the like the cabinet, like dresser, drawer, cabinet thing. Literally three bottles of, like three handles of empty, like empty alcohol bottles fell out of the cabinet doors and onto the ground oh my gosh and instantly I was like yep, that explains it.

Coach Alex Ray: 53:51

I feel like not only was he an alcoholic, but also I don't know, that's like some serious gaslighting kind of shit there. Maybe I don't know if he was drinking on purpose or not, but like that literally sounds like the movie the what is it? The gas lamps, I think, or gas lights something. The whole movie where the term gaslighting comes from.

Boyfriend: 54:15

Yeah, that's fucking creepy it was like potentially very gaslighty, but I think it was, and he might have been on whatever drugs, but I think it was also just like syndrome of a, of an alcoholic who's currently suffering, who's not getting help and probably some mental illness stuff playing in the back but yeah, he was weird.

Coach Alex Ray: 54:38

Okay, you, you've had some some crazy wackadoo people in your life, but you do a good job of making entertaining well, you know when, when life gives you lemons, I don't know, throw the lemons at the weirdos.

Boyfriend: 54:57

Okay, is this time for the surprise story that I don't know about yet? Yeah, it's time for the surprise story. Okay, this one is kind of going, you know, bringing us back to home. The title of the story is called raccoon catapult and I haven't told, I haven't told them this story yet.

Coach Alex Ray: 55:17

So okay, I'm really excited for this okay so raccoon catapult.

Boyfriend: 55:23

So again we're back home, back on the farm, and we have issues with like possums and raccoons and whatever that like get into the trash, they get in and kill the chickens, they like screw up the gardens or whatever. So we used to have to set traps for them and then like either give them poison or like whatever. For some reason in this case, I don't know, I don't know how this wreck, this poor raccoon, was unfortunately dispatched, but we had it. We had a dead raccoon in our hands and we need we need to get rid of it. Keep in mind, this is the dead of summer.

Boyfriend: 56:05

So we have a dead raccoon, oh a hot steamy raccoon carcass, huh yes, but the thing is we so we got the raccoon, we put it in a trash bag and we put it in the track, we like tied it up, put it in the trash, can? We're like alright, so there we go.

Boyfriend: 56:21

The thing is that was like still four or five days out from trash day, so, and this is like mid-august oh no so trash day comes around and the the trash collectors end up not picking up our trash because, like they have the right to refuse to pick up your trash if it is particularly like offensive or like a really really like heinously smelling wait, what really? That's apparently like allowed they like they reserve the right to like not pick up trash if it is potentially hazardous to the trash collectors, I guess.

Boyfriend: 57:04

I have no idea, but that makes sense. Yeah, I mean good for them, bad for us. So we have this. Like again, it had been like slow cooking in a trash can, in a trash bag in mid-summer for like four or five days. No, it is like legit raccoon soup at this point, like straight up, straight up soup, and we're like, oh, it's like, oh shit, that the trash. But they didn't come and take it, what like? And they it's only gonna get worse from here. What are we gonna do and when? Like have it? Has anybody ever smelled like you've opened up a trash can with like really rotten chicken, or like you've been like been around like dead things that are decaying?

Boyfriend: 57:46

but like it's a particularly like it's. It's the definition of repulsive like it, it.

Boyfriend: 57:54

It evokes like vomiting, like like an uncontrollable what's it called like a reflex in humans, like retching, vomiting, like you cover your face and run away like you can't, you can't, you can't bear it. So we like, flip open the lid to the trash can and you cannot get near it. I'm not kidding you, you can't get within 20 feet of the trash can, you like, you'll start retching. But we have to do something about it because clearly the trash people are not gonna come and take it away. So my brother and I and my brother-in-law are tasked with disposing of the raccoon stew. But what are we gonna do? It's, I like, I just got a shiver it.

Boyfriend: 58:46

So we ended up creating a tactic where and it's in the trash can that's on wheels. But again, we live on like a hilly farm in the middle of nowhere. So we are. We decide that we're going to, we're gonna take turns, we're gonna go in shifts, we're gonna take turns, wheeling the trash can as far as we can while holding our breath, and then, when we can't hold our breath any longer, the next person comes in, grabs the handle of the trash can and continues to move us towards, like the edge of the property, like down the hill. So we are flying down the hill with this like race car raccoon juice, and again it's to the point where by the end of your breath you are like you are retching. It's like the burpee retching like vomit is coming, like when you brush, when you brush too far, in the back of your mouth yeah, like it's like that, okay.

Boyfriend: 59:40

So we get down to the, we get down to the edge and you know, someone my brother flicks off, you know, flips the lid to the trash can and then I come in and, like samurai, kick the, like, like mortal combat or whatever straight fighter, kick the, the, the trash can over and the the bag, which is like an oversized water.

Boyfriend: 1:00:01

You know, when you fall water balloon up too big and it's just like go long it was that so I have to lift up the edge and we, like you know, pull the trash can away. So now we just have this white trash bag of raccoon liquids sitting there. But the thing is it's like we thought it was gonna roll farther down the hill but it doesn't. It like gets caught in the spot that's still too close, like we haven't gotten rid of it yet and we like can't pull the bag because it's way too heavy and it's like a cheap trash bag and it's the contents are way too heavy, so you can't just like drag the bag, it will tear and that'll be a nightmare.

Boyfriend: 1:00:44

So my brother-in-law goes and gets a snow shovel and now you see, maybe we're the idea of the title of the story is coming in.

Boyfriend: 1:00:53

So he, he gets the snow shovel and he is holding his breath. He like scoops under the bag of raccoon and unfortunately, in the process is causing like micro tears in the bag, which is causing all of us to like lose. And you know how, like when you've got like dog poop or like rotten food or whatever on the ground or something and flies are coming towards it, yes, then you get near the flies and the police shoot the flies away. This is to the point where somehow there are like clouds of flies that are like aware of what's going on and are collecting, and like the smell is so appealing to them that like shooing them away doesn't do anything, like they fly away but then they come right. Like it's the flies, it's like something from, it's like from the biblical times, it's like a plague of flies in addition to this already horrible situation. So there are micro tears in the bag from trying to be scooped with a snow shovel and my brother-in-law tries to like.

Boyfriend: 1:01:59

Once he scoops it up. I will never forget there was like an air bubble in the bag. You know, whenever you like, slosh a thing or whatever and you hear the like little meat look kind of sound. I heard it, oh my god. And not only that, but the bones clanging together.

Coach Alex Ray: 1:02:14

The bones, my god bones are clanging together.

Boyfriend: 1:02:17

So he takes the, the snow shovel, lifts it up and positions it across like his shoulder, as if he's gonna, like you know, slingshot or catapult it over his shoulder and in front of him. But here's the issue with such like a voluminous trash bag of liquid and how heavy it is, and like the, you know the fulcrum, whatever of him trying to fling it with the speed and the force at which he tried to to fling it forward, he miscalculated and it didn't go airborne. It as he as he, as as the shovel became like in a vertical position and like what we thought was gonna launch. It literally dropped vertically down downward onto him and like and like, conformed like a freaking what's like whatever, it is like an elastic conforming a front and back, like the strap of a backpack on his shoulder, and then like, juiced and leaked and then plopped forward and like burst a down in front of him. I saw the whole thing in slow motion.

Boyfriend: 1:03:32

He starts to scream. My brother and I have no idea what to do, like we don't know how to help. We don't know what to do. He is screaming, he is running around the yard, he's pulling off articles of clothing. I've never seen this man in his underwear like we're not like close, like that. He's pulling off his clothes and screaming and then eventually you know, whenever you're just in such a horrible situation, that screaming and running, you know that moment of like being in particular, like there's nothing you can do, you are powerless.

Boyfriend: 1:04:08

Eventually he accepted his fate, he accepted defeat he's. He was no longer screaming, he was no longer running and he like just fell to the ground, curled in a ball and was silent and I've never seen a human being more like defeated and pathetic than in that moment. The good news is in his like flopping it down, you know it like scluging or whatever down the side of his body. He did successfully get it down into a part of the yard that was like out of sight. The bag was broken. Now critters and bugs and whatever can get into the bag and begin the full decomposition process. But that was one of the most disgusting events that I have that I have participated in the end. Raccoon catapult.

Coach Alex Ray: 1:05:10

I you caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting such a disgusting story, but it was very funny, and I'm just imagining your brother-in-law running around the yard stripping and then just like accepting defeat this is like a very calm, collected person.

Boyfriend: 1:05:32

Yeah, he's very chill, very, very mellow person.

Coach Alex Ray: 1:05:36

Never heard him raise his voice ever, except for when he was covered in unicorn.

Boyfriend: 1:05:48

Unicorn when he's like literally covered in raccoon dip, like. It's like. That was. One of the most horrifying things was it was like it was the body of a previously living creature that is now liquid. No, it's like whenever you have a glass of ice water and you like hear the ice cubes clanging next to each other.

Boyfriend: 1:06:11

That was, but with bones no and hot no and you can't breathe no, so I hope you all enjoyed my stories and have a little bit of better insight into some of the things that I've been through, some of the character shaping moments that I've had. And this is just the beginning. This, this is this is but barely a scratch on the surface.

Coach Alex Ray: 1:06:48

I don't really know how to wrap this up.

Boyfriend: 1:06:52

Thank, you for being, yeah, for brightening everyone's day, for enriching everyone's lives with these really, really motivational, uplifting stories.

Coach Alex Ray: 1:07:10

Yes, oh my god. Well, it really was a joy, and you give me a lot of laughs, even though I've heard all but the last story before. I laugh every time I hear these. These are fucking ridiculous. So thank you for sharing the stories with us and you all. If you want to be able to ask him questions that we can answer in a future episode because we're gonna do another episode together for sure and we want to answer your questions, so you know how to do that now join the Instagram channel and I'll link that down in the show notes so you can ask your questions on there. Whatever questions you want to ask my boyfriend for future episodes, and we'll answer some of those. It's gonna be fun, alright, y'all alright, bye dinner.

Coach Alex Ray: 1:08:08

Oh my god, thank you again for being here for real, you are welcome thank you all right having me you are welcome, thank you for having me.

Boyfriend: 1:08:18

Yeah, you're welcome.

Coach Alex Ray: 1:08:20

All right y'all, I will see you on the next episode. Bye.